The musings of Mr Monkeysized


Footballing while monkeysized by monkeysized
March 12, 2010, 21:25
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The world of the footballist can learn much from our research here on the floating laboratory, SS Monkeysized.

On the one hand I debated players’ wages while getting changed for my weekly bout of footballing last night. Scandalous, of course, that a young and rather mediocre oaf can pick up thirty grand a week for a largely bench-bound existence. However, footballists and their agents have made the mistake of monkeysizing their wages. If I was to earn thirty grand a year as a typical Englisher, the idea that someone might earn a million and a half in the premiership might not seem too outlandish – after all, don’t movie stars pick up several million per movie? And once you’re into the millions it’s all a bit tough to really get our heads around. But £1.5 million is pretty much the same as thirty grand a week, which allows my pitiful little evolved brain a toehold of understanding – bloody hell, he can afford all my car payments, trips to Tesco and B&Q, holidays in the sun, visits to the fun pub on a bank holiday, and impressive flat screen TVs, EVERY BLOODY WEEK.

No wonder it’s scandalous – footballists’ wages have been well and truly monkeysized.

On the other hand the footballists’ world full of booms and busts, unshakeable dynasties and unheralded collapses. The Guardian’s excellent ‘six of the best’ blog this week turns its attention to ‘Shock Falls From Grace’ that runs through clubs and individuals to, in the comments from readers, whole nations. I myself suggested that Liverpool, the colossus of the 1970s and 80s at home and in Europe, may be in the middle of just such a meltdown, with organ failure and life sign collapse interpreted as mere blips and disruptions.

The world of the footballist is fertile ground for this. On the same Guardian pages we have the death of Italian football, the end of the Russian rennaissance, and the bankruptcy of a Scottish giant.

To ardent monkeysizers, club fortunes are like being cast about on a spring breeze. With one of the most famous old English clubs, Portsmouth, facing bankruptcy just a couple of years after a quite unexpected triumph in the FA Cup, the question arises whether fans would rather have their moment of glory followed by an indeterminately long sinking, or just putter along with noses just above the waves. Well?

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